Tuesday, July 26, 2016

27 July 2016, 2155

A year ago, I lost… That was my first loss, in truth and in essence, not superficially or materially. The world lost. But I don’t give a flying fuck about the world. You had your chance. This is about me. I lost someone truly irreplaceable. Inimitable; and priceless. It took me very little time to accept the loss. It will take the rest of my life to grieve. I will never forget (but I will…) I will never let go (but I will…) I will never move on (but I will…) I will never smile again (but I will…) I will never lose again (but I will…) I will never love again (but I will…) I will go insane (but I won’t…) I will always mourn (but I won’t…) I will always be alone (but I won’t…) I will but I won’t…. I won’t but I will… This was the hardest, most comprehensive lesson and the most precious gift… Parenthood is learning to let go. Maturity is learning to lose and coping with loss. I miss you so much, but you are always there. Omnipotent and transcendent as ever and always. Defiant and stubborn. Hard as nails in the coffin which you wisely opted out off. Particles of wisdom, essence of the universe, called back to your rightful place in that sphere and realm that you came from… My biggest adversary, whom I never wanted to beat; my best friend whom I never wanted to loose; my only advisor whom I can never replace; the one of two of my vulnerabilities. But I am you. And you are in me. So we carry on. We continue to grace this world with our presence. I am free. You set me free - violently. In the only way you knew. Calculative and instinctively. Combative. Absolute. Demanding. Logical. Analytical. Protective. Yet so soft and fragile, loving and caring that only once one knew did it make sense. And it’s scary; but I am you. And I will not stop, for no reason, let alone because of fear. I will stand and fight; like I always did. Till the very bittersweet end. And I will look in the mirror of my soul before I decide to go and be proud, with no regrets. Just like you taught me. And I will win. And I will find you. And I will be proud when I meet you again to tell you my story, from where you left it. And we will argue and fight again, like we did; for nothing – just because we could. We will be one again. But not if I can help it. You will have to fight for it. Nothing is entitled in this world. I dare you.

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