Since when? I was under the impression that my life had taken a somehow different path ever since I fell in love again… I was wrong… It took a detour, true, it took a different road, but nothing has really changed. I am still alone, I am still in solitude. The same titles and restrictions as always, the same caveats in words and actions, the same behaviours, masked, hidden behind the well crafted and perfectly worn mask… So be it was the first reaction… It will be ok… those were my thoughts when I first found out… And started working towards living with the truth, trying to make the most out of it… This is this; this is that, this is the other… I was trying to make excuses for the inexcusable, justifications for the unjustifiable…
I began loosing sleep, loosing energy, loosing the laugh and joy that I had gained when I first met love… Even when that was noticed, there was no attempt to understand why, to see why… there was only the bitching and moaning of why; why I am not laughing – well if you tried not to bust my balls, I would…! If you tried to understand I would…! Why am I not happier – geez, I don’t know; maybe because I am in a sterile environment for my standards and cannot find many things to enjoy? Maybe because things in our freaking fucking world are not so great? Maybe because everywhere I turn to I only see compromises and regret? Maybe because you are not there in any way that I need you to be? Maybe? Why, why, why, why…
The funniest of all though, is what happens when I answer those whys… Every single time… got to hand it to love… it can play seriously fucked up games in your head… Every time I open my mouth to say something, I feel evil, I feel that I am about to say the meanest and cruellest thing in my lifetime… Skilled! Very very skilled! Talented I’d say… and it so happens that love acts it as well… not only does it make me feel it, it makes me live it…
Love… what do I know about love... what do I know about life? What do I know about being in love… I am unwilling of loving in ways other’s want me to do, and I am incapable of finding and keeping what I should…
Some would say that this is my self-destructing nature, others will say that this is who and what I am… one or two will know that I am in pain. When old facades come to surface, there will be tears, there will be fear, there will be pain… when I lose control, I am afraid… and what I am afraid of, is what I will do. And when you constantly ask me, push me to lose control, I begin to see the extent of the damage… where is my bottle of rum? Love is overestimated and overpriced… An eternity of suffering for a moment of joy… not a great trade off in my mind… where is my grog? Life is an adventure… an adventure never stops… it is always continuing, it is always changing, and it is down to the individual to choose what they are, what they are made off.
Love is no longer welcomed in my life – yet again…
Love is incompatible with me. It makes me feel crippled, it makes me feel weak, it makes me feel vulnerable. It hinders me instead of letting me grow, it pulls me down instead of thrusting me in the heart of my dreams… I have done something wrong to deserve this…
Now its time to fix it…
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
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8 comments:
Well dear,
It seems that you and such feelings can't get along just right for long or at all...
Yes, love is pain and it is not fair. Not now, not ever.
But that bitch "love" is the only "god" that can trade moments full with extreme warmth and unbelievable happiness if you sacrifice your certainty, your peace of mind, your sleep and your utterly bastard (nothing personal just a great phrase) ego in Her name!
She offers loads of bitter-sweet pain and tears. And the silly question "Was that the way it is supposed to be, or was there is more into it and I just missed it?"
She also gives you unlimited humiliation and loss of control. Yet you always seem to be looking for her! Wow enchanting! Isn't it?
You know as much as anyone about it. Do not underestimate yourself.
I was told once that if I could actually believe and accept loves effects I would wisely confront her and be able to understand more about her. Most of that is true. It did happen.
Emotions, feelings do evolve. They have a childhood, the unstable teen years and of course the mature age... It gets sweeter every time and more bitter at the same time. Not bad for someone who enjoys bitter chocolate!
The fact is that if I love a fox and the fox is trapped, my love alone can never get it out of the trap or help it escape the hunter. I definitely have to get my hands dirty to save it and it has to run fast enough to escape. This time at least!
*hugs*
The key words are loss and accept...
Confront and understand, do not get along with this emotion...
No, the fact of the matter is that i was wrong to trust my feelings and let them take over... I was also wrong to believe that i could fit in...
I am not that open minded as you are on the matter and I am not good at letting things go, just to make them feel better or not to hurt their feelings...
How about mine?
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find her/him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
and what makes you think I haven't? a single post?
consider reading between the lines, and consider the fact that I may not be able to reset...
consider the fact that I may have great first hand experiences and perhaps I've earned the right to be as I am...
Perhaps I listen to my heart more than you can understand...
Then perhaps you are saying you have the right to give it up?
Or
Perhaps you are trying to share the painful experience with others...
Or
Perhaps you are not sure what you are trying for, "no more pain from love" or "even more love"...
I'm certain you have a different statement for an answer here! hehe
The point is: You do have emotions and you do have a mind, since you do have both, why do you think you should use only one of them?
well thr is always a chance to fix anythn wch is gone wrong in the past bt that does'nt mean u need to run away frm it
Well, what you are saying is right but not compeletely correct. Love can make you feel weak but it actually forces you to grow... think about it. But yes.. the it may differ person to person, it definately can't be the same with all.
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