I meet people that remind me that I now live an empty life…

I meet people that remind me that I now live an empty life… One that is satisfactory for me, but still empty… What confuses me is that I always get my way – just not when I want – but still I know that once I put my mind at something, I do get it done…

And this is in my mind – filling my life again with love. But no matter how strong and how persistent this idea is, it is still not enough to get me acting on it… And the major problem is that there is nothing to act upon, for I have not found what it is that I seek to love, what it is that I want; therefore there is nothing to chase, nothing to pursue…

Actually, there are plenty to chase and pursue… Just not strong enough to channel energy to them… It becomes all the more difficult as time passes to find out. The only thing I do know is that I find al the more difficult to express my thoughts, to follow them again. Once I believed that this would be resolved as time went by; once I believed that this would also mean that I can no longer be productive, be creative – in my own pathetic and useless way – but now I realize that this is the way I truly am and there is no point wasting energy for any effort to change this… Maybe utilize it, or maybe harness it and exploit it, but not change it…

Is this a hint of fear? A trace of remorse? Is this a pathetic attempt to draw attention to yourself? The past is gone, what’s done is done… Does this mean that it should never be repeated? Isn’t that the foundation of knowledge and the basis of history? That everything is a vicious circle and everything repeats? And isn’t that knowledge and that understanding what differentiates those who win from those who loose? Isn’t that what is experience?

Isn’t experience the accumulated knowledge and the understanding of not only the successful but also the unsuccessful actions and series of events? And is it not good use of experience the ability to harness this knowledge and use it in such way as to not fall in the same traps and mistakes again?

Have I lost my mind again? Have I lost my ability to understand and learn?

Am I a lost cause?