When you give something up and you move on, it is wise not to look back... But I think that I have never been wise in my life. So, one year after my 180 degree turn, I look back... And for the first time in my life, I feel the bite of regret and the hint of a doubt. Questions concerning the accuracy of my choice - I always have trouble choosing between the right and what I like - and the future rose in my mind, casted a cloud and settled in it. Leaving me blowing as hard as I can, trying in vain to clarify the scenery and see the path. Alas, I fail to succeed.
I now face the most difficult choice that I will have to make for a long time to come. I must choose between the life that I like and the life I can live. I must choose between complete surrender in routine and compromise with the things that I can have or constantly struggle for a brief moment of glory - to a great expense - and insecurity... It sounds very easy, and the choice should be apparent - the latter of course! But for a reason that I fail to identify, I cannot make the choice.
Nonetheless, all this time has not been in vain... I renewed my faith in my skills and I accepted that when you have something you crave for its opposite. And since I do all things in extremes, then you realize that I now crave things that most don't even want to deal with, not include them in their everyday life. I miss danger... I miss insecurity... I miss intensity... I loath life as it has become. I resent the status quo that we have - yes, we - imposed on our daily life. I resent the fact that I have to be dressed up in a suit in order to do my job, simply because in any other case I will simply be disregarded. And above all I came to resent myself for thinking that it may be time to do so... Time to give in, embrace that status, and thrive in it... I know I can not only survive, but also lead in such an environment... But I want to do so when I choose, not when I am forced to either do it or forever dream... This is not a choice I an wiling to take in favor of me, simply because it has no alternatives...
Nonetheless, all this time has not been in vain... I renewed my faith in my skills and I accepted that when you have something you crave for its opposite. And since I do all things in extremes, then you realize that I now crave things that most don't even want to deal with, not include them in their everyday life. I miss danger... I miss insecurity... I miss intensity... I loath life as it has become. I resent the status quo that we have - yes, we - imposed on our daily life. I resent the fact that I have to be dressed up in a suit in order to do my job, simply because in any other case I will simply be disregarded. And above all I came to resent myself for thinking that it may be time to do so... Time to give in, embrace that status, and thrive in it... I know I can not only survive, but also lead in such an environment... But I want to do so when I choose, not when I am forced to either do it or forever dream... This is not a choice I an wiling to take in favor of me, simply because it has no alternatives...
I am a material person... I believe that material goods are very essential in our lives now, and be that as it may - bad, awful, despicable, etc. - I am miserable without them. And no, I am not referring to shoes or clothes, but things that I really need... A new snowboard for example, or a new snowboard, boots, binders and a 15day vacation on the Alps. Stuff like that... Anyway, I have to go back to my work... Need to make money and enjoy the remnants of my life...
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