In Reverse Order

Weird...

It starts with dreams and determination, hope, ambition...

Then realization strikes, and dreams become a distant driving force. It is at this point that they are changed, baptized as goals...

Then, experience begins to accumulate... Goals become a laugh, especially if achieving them is included in the sentence, determination is now necessity; hope is now routine...

Then time flies, flies away, and suddenly, you are 35 - 40! And you realize that you have given so much up, for what? To do what? For what reason?

And everything comes down, falls on your shoulders and crashes you under a pile of debris and a cloud of dust...

It takes skills to remain standing after that, and balls to rebuild...

Once I thought that I would be willing to do that, always, no matter the problems or the events associated...

As time passed, as pain settled, as I became comfortably numb, I realize that I am no longer willing - and automatically no longer capable - of doing it...

I guess part of growing older is giving up yourself, and becoming something that is dictated from the surrounding environment...

What I cannot figure out is how to make peace with it, how to live with it...

I guess it is one of those controversial things about me...

I cannot accept it; I can only do it...

All was simpler when I behaved as I felt like it and lived my life as I though was best...

Thinking of others must be the hardest thing I have ever undertaken... And I fear that unless I come to terms that I will fail it, I will damage myself even more than I have to date...

Reaching an irreversible point...