What is real...?...

It is no secret that I have delinquent habits. In fact, for many people in my life it is exactly that which made them interested in me. I had a talk with an old friend the other day, one of those long-over-the-cellphone talks, which either way give you a headache, coming from the content or from the extended use of the bloody cell. Anyhow, she reminded me of the image that others hold for me, and the reasons why I always want to know what others think of me, and what others see of me. I believe that this curiosity of mine has shaped my behavior dramatically. Only, not to the direction of the comments that I receive, but rather towards a middle path. One that does not abide to the pointers, but if they are right, one that does not go against them. And yes...I once again realized that I am a chameleon...I have the ability to adapt to my surrounding environment easily, if I desire to, and stand out equally easy. Has this been good or bad? I really cannot decide. It has cost me dearly, again and again and again, but it has also served me well. After all, I you are as egocentric as I am, then being in the middle of anything is good enough, no matter what that is. But I realized something else, something that was told to me about 12 years ago...That by practicing this, and by continuing to implement it in my interpersonal relations, and by getting better at it, I would eventually be alone. None would really know me, or about me. Rather, one would know only one aspect of me, a mere fragment of the total, thus making me less vulnerable in my mind to various attacks and maltreat received from people around me. Even as I write this, I shiver with excitement knowing that I have to change again having stated that, while I feel jealousy for those that can have at least one person in their life that knows them. That can predict their next move, and not tackle it but support it or just witness it.

Often I come to a point where I look back and say to myself that it is not bad here, or even better it is great here, but somewhere along the ride I see things and witness things that in my mind, if exponentially taken to another point using reason and facts that have already occurred, informs me that if I remain here I will only destroy what is now great and turn it into something utterly different and most probably unwanted. How sad...This is of the few occasions that my mind IS thinking too much...But then again, if I take pride in anything, then this is my mental abilities, so I cannot disregard it. True I can fight it, but lately it has been proven to me that doing so is in vain. So why bother?

Back to my delinquent habits...This morning I read about a girl who failed in her exams and generally had a bad day. So far so good, shit happens to everybody. What bothered me was the fact that she got depressed not because she failed, or because she had a bad day, but because she looked herself in the mirror and looked bad. And I don't mean ugly, no, I mean tears in her face, mascara running down her blushed chicks and so on. A very human and natural image of one's self wouldn't you agree? And it bothered her!!! The fact that she saw herself in the mirror as she truly is, naked from masks, pretences and fake postures made her depressed...And I wander...

How can anyone live without coming to terms with real images? With real expression of feelings, whichever those are? Is there a more human side than that of reality? No one is superhuman, nor is anyone (at least that I know of) invulnerable to emotions. True, some can hide them better than others, but the fact is that they're always there. I have previously stated that I hold little if any respect for people, especially for those that I have no knowledge of, but I treat them the same way that I want them to treat me. In such a scenario though, in a scenario where reality has absolutely no value or use, my delinquent habit is this: I'll speak my mind and suffer the consequences which worse case will be that she will never speak to me again. Pfffff...what a loss...How will I ever come round?!?

I know.... I'll visit my old friend Dr. Greenthumb and his lovely nurse Ms. Mary Jane. I am sure that they have something for my case...