Despair....

Within nine days I almost ruined everything that I have so far achieved...Have you ever met anyone who is self-destructive, yet has a self-preservation instinct so developed and active that in the end all that is achieved is a chaos? Well, I am one of those people...I brought myself in the very edge of my limits - ok not the edge, but for two days it felt like that - until my instincts kicked in...I really cannot understand why people treat characteristics such as stubbornness, or being reactionary as ill...If it wasn't for traits as these, I would have been brain dead and part of the sheep. Well, the past week brought me closer to becoming one than any accident, mishap or other unfortunate event I had so far in my life. What and how is not important, even for me. What is important and bothers me, is that I got very close to giving up. And I mean giving up...Completely, totally, and irreversibly. I simply lost my self-esteem, and any respect that I held for my mental abilities. And also I realized what it means to have people with ethos around you...I was shocked when people that I barely know, and have never helped, offered their help for free...Needless to say that it was rejected, but the gesture itself is more than enough for me.

I lost a lot these past nine days, and gain nothing...Lie...I gained more inhibition, I lost the little trust that I had in institutions and people altogether, and I really don't think that I will ever put faith on anybody for good or bad...People that I needed turned against me, betrayed me, and abandoned me for dead, finished...I will laugh hard when I see their faces defeated and awed from the fact that I am still live and kicking...their face.